Pretty down

Well what can I say, I have felt down and rubbish for a while now. Having cancer is crap (excuse the language). Wish I could go back to the times since my diagnosis when I was successfully just getting on with life with a skip and a smile. What happened?

One thing that has struck me lately was the fact that when I was going through the ops and treatment I felt very uplifted and supported by all your prayers and positive vibes etc. Then as life got "back to normal" whatever that may be, I didn't write the blog and therefore felt out there on my own much more. I am sure many of you are still praying etc, for me, my beauty and family but I feel like I cut myself off. I can't do it on my own. I need you all.

I have been very sad about my special friend/surrogate Mum who died at the end of January. My counsellor suggested I write her a letter to express how I felt- I liked that idea a lot and wrote one earlier this week but it certainly made me cry a lot too. I bought some roses that we had on the table with some pictures of her for the day of her funeral as my beauty decided not to go in the end. It is now a whole calendar month since her funeral and some of them are still going strong - one has even grown a new bud!

I went on a quiet day today that some of my friends had organised. It was lovely to pray with them and be quiet. I went for a walk, it was beautiful and sunny, blossom breaking forth, red kites cruising around and squawking at each other, a cat carefully carrying a baby bird in it's mouth, birds singing their spring songs, many beautiful things.

I sat by the lake and wrote a poem.

At Peace
Geese shout their defence
Intuitively protecting their space
Loud, persistent
Clear, Assertive

But where's my voice?
Afraid to speak
Bottled up, ready to burst

Help me God
Hold me as I choose to value myself
Open my eyes
Open my mind

So much healing to be done
Bit by bit you free me to be me
Help me to love me just as you do
And so to be at peace




That's just where I am at. The background to this is the fact that the hospital have failed to get back to me about another issue. Finally thank God, I have managed to get an appointment to see a real life consultant. I have agreed to drive further than locally to see them but that way I get to see them quicker and hopefully gain some knowledge and understanding and some peace of mind.

Thank you for still being there for me xxx